I don't have any cheerful thoughts to share and have been scowling at everything.
And rolling my eyeballs excessively.
Today I got up at 7:30, packed Ryan's lunch, did her hair, and sent her out to the bus.
Then I came back in, poured two bowls of cereal for the boys, turned on G-Force (pretty much the most irritating children's movie ever made ... guinea pig special agents? pul-lease) and then crawled back into bed ... for THREE hours.
That's right.
I got up in time to get Ezra dressed, packed for school, and on the bus.
Then I did two loads of laundry, listlessly thumbed through a magazine, and decided the baby needed a nap so I could lay around uninterrupted.
Then I tried to think of something clever to write about and came up with ... a big whiny nothing.
I have been thinking of my life as a whole.
About the things I can control and the things I cannot.
I know that I should be focusing my energy on improving the situations in my life that I have a small amount of control over instead of obsessing about the things that I cannot do anything about.
Scott used to say to me, "Stop pushing. You push too hard. You can't force things to happen. Just leave it alone."
I tell myself this every time I begin to hyperventilate over some insignificant whatever.
So about every four minutes.
I want to piece everything in my life back together RIGHT NOW.
I want it to make sense and to be whole again.
I want to feel content and happy and full of purpose.
Like I am moving forward instead of stuck in the mud.
I am constantly feeling conflicted because I feel as if I should be productive and busy all the time but lack the motivation. Which is new for me. I am usually quite ambitious.
This grieving process has been going on forever. It seems.
I am tired of working so hard.
And am ready to feel better.
If only I could force that to happen with a snap of my fingers.
And yet I know that it only comes with time.
That slowly, so slowly, progress is made and things change.
And then you look back and realize that it's better than it was.
It is better than it was three months ago. On most days.
Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer.
I'll shake it off here soon and be back to inappropriately over-share more irrelevant nonsense.
Something to make you smile:
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| ^^ Ezra drew a lovely picture of a pigeon pooping and then taped it to the door to greet Papa and Grammy when they came home from work. How delightful. ^^ |
I'm so sorry!! Hang in there!! If it makes you feel any better... I did the very same thing yesterday. I packed the kids lunches, took them to school, came home and sleep, made a Brodey lunch, took him to school, then came home and sat on the couch and did nothing for 3 hours until it was to pick the kids up. I should be packing up my house. But all I want to do is be lazy and do absolutely nothing. So, don't feel bad we all do it.
ReplyDeleteNot having control is hard one for me, too. Extra prayers for you today...and everyday. Love you!
ReplyDeletePS. Did you see how many page views you have had in the past week?! You are rocking this blogging thing!