Looking ahead

^^ I know, I know ... Saved By the Bell called and they want their bangs back. My hair is redonkulous. ^^

I yelled at my kids today.
Well, I yell at them almost every day.
I am not what you would call patient.
Or soft-spoken.
Or nice.
I talk to my kids like they are mini adults.
I understand that they are children and have the mental capacity of not-yet-fully-developed humans but I am not the babying type.
I love them, and take care of them, and teach them, and discipline them, but I don't coddle.
I think about those three hooligans all the live-long day.
I want them to be happy, well-adjusted, polite, productive.
But today I snapped.
I wanted to jump in my car and drive away, after peeling out.
It was in between the second and third time I had to wash poop out of Micah's underwear in the toilet.
I was tired and hot and they were fighting, again.
About Legos, no less, of which there are nine thousand.
Mathematically that works out to all three children having quite a few Legos each.
You know, if divided fairly.
They were also looking at and breathing on each other (which is apparently another reason worth fighting about).
I freaked out, sent them into the backyard, shut the door, and locked it.
They just stood right outside the french doors and stared into the house.
Micah pressed his nose up against the glass for good measure.
I ignored them and looked at People.com.
Single-parenting blows already, but it doubly blows in the summer.
On a somewhat related note: I declare it to be mentally draining to always be hoovering in limbo.
You wouldn't think that doing nothing would be so exhausting.
I also think that I have been feeling sorry for myself lately.
When I jump on Facebook or catch up on Instagram all I see are beautiful pictures of my friends and family living happy, fulfilling lives.
I hesitate to post anything to my feed because I don't feel like my life looks the way I want it to, or the way I thought it would.
I don't feel we do anything post-worthy and live kind of a weird in-between life, just waiting to get started.
I want to create a tight family unit that has its own traditions and personality.
Separate and not an appendage to someone else's family.
I want to be an adult and a parent and establish something special that is ours.
I feel like that could be something that I am proud of and would want to share.
Maybe that is why I have been so tight-lipped lately.
I am ready to move forward but it is as if my feet are stuck in the mud.
I am trying really hard to be happy in my life.
Sometimes it is easy and then sometimes it is work.
Today it was a lot of poopy work.
Tomorrow we go to the water park.
It will be better.