Sunday, February 8, 2015

One year

January 31 was the "anniversary" (for lack of a better word) of Scott's passing.
One year ago our lives changed. Drastically.
And I remember one year ago, I could barely breath.
Like, literally, I could not fill my lungs with enough air.
I felt completely obliterated.
And totally adrift.
I didn't sleep.
My mind never stopped circling.
Circling around my loss, my kids, my future, my lack of direction.
It was the lowest I had ever been.
And I look back and am glad that I am not there anymore.
Every day is a little better.
Sometimes the difference is so subtle it feels as if I am standing still.
Or worse, moving backwards.
But then a week, a month, six months later ... I find myself laughing at something without the all-too-familiar heartache.
It really does get easier with time.
And then a year has passed.
And my life (which is not perfect or even completely on track) feels normal again.
Our family dynamic has changed, but that change no longer feels like a change.
It feels regular.
And that is a gift.
In fact, today I was at church lecturing teaching the 12 and 13-year-old young women about adversity.
We talked about how trials and challenges are a part of life.
No one can avoid them.
Some are self-inflicted and others are the result of someone else's poor choice.
And then sometimes pain and hardship just happen.
Death, illness, infertility.
Everybody has something that tests them.
Mine right now is losing a parent and a spouse.
And accepting that I have small, sad boobs that puddle in the bottom of my brassiere.
But I have also learned that having a good attitude, hope, and structured undergarments go a long way.
I believe that things will improve.
That the best parts of my life are still ahead of me.
And that I will appreciate them that much more.
Until then, I will do what I have been doing: I will put one foot in front of the other.
^^ Family pictures. He cooperated for 12.6 seconds. Luckily, my sister has a quick trigger finger and captured this. ^^
^^ He was angelic. He gave me, like, 25 pictures that all looked this great. ^^
^^ I see this expression a lot. Her teen years are going to be magical. ^^
^^ This is my favorite of the bunch. I am contemplating this photo on a large canvas. ^^
^^ This is how loving they are all the time. In opposite world. ^^
^^ My little family. ^^
^^ You're welcome. ^^
Have a happy week.