Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Testing, testing ....

Pretty. I especially love my meaty, veiny neck. Looking like a wrestler was
the vision I had for my nuptials. #nailedit 
Do you remember when I used to blog?
Like, almost every day?
Yeah, me either.
It had been so long that I actually forgot the password required to log in to my account.
And the name of my blog.
And what a blog is.
But then I slapped myself and remembered and thought, "I miss blogging. I miss oversharing all of my most intimate and personal thoughts with total strangers who will probably pity me and judge me while they watch my life unfold like the train wreck it is."
And it is for this reason that I have decided after an 18-month hiatus, to begin writing again.
'Cause I have loads to share.
And approximately 8 million photos to upload.
And need a creative outlet to distract me from my "real" job.
Also my life is completely different from what it was a year and a half ago.
In fact, if you remember where I was last ... MARCH?!? .... then picture the exact opposite of that.
Before I dropped off the face of the internet. 
Where I am now makes me so unbelievably giddy I literally want to tear all of my hair out and then use it to make pom poms to cheer for myself and my happier life.
But first a recap of the last year. *this is in no particular order and every event is of equal importance. **some of these events may also require more explanation and warrant their own post.

1. I met a boy, er, man. He had a sexy voice and a good sense of humor. We fell in love.
2. I learned how to use emojiis.
3. I discovered high-waisted jeans and now my mom-tummy is tucked in nice and tight. I am so on fleek.
4. I learned what "fleek" means and began overusing it. I am totes trendy. Obvs.
5. I started collecting and listening to records. As you can tell, I became a lot more hip this year.
6. I adopted a skinny pig. (Well, actually Santa got Ezra a skinny pig — which is a hairless guinea pig — for Christmas. His name was Alan. He looked like a penis.)
7. I totaled my car. And by me, I actually mean a dumb guy who hit me like a big idiot.
8. I got a new, better car. My Honda Pilot is basically a part of my family.
9. I discovered World Market. 
10. ... After I bought my first house with the man I mentioned in event #1.
11. ... After we got married.
12. ... On the hottest day of the year. I had boob sweat for days.
13. I contracted C-diff. At once point I gazed wearily from the window of my hospital room and actually wished that I were the man that I could see outside fixing the roof of the annex next below me. It was that bad.
14. I got another tattoo. Shhhhhh ... 
15. I went to Denver and spent some time with my favorite friends. They get me ... and now know things about me that no one else does.
16. I watched Micah "Whip" and watched him "Nay, nay."
17. I saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens. It was really epic, and not in the way a teenager would describe sneaking-out-of-their-parent's-house-and-stealing-the-car-in-order-drive-up-to-woods-and-drink-cheap-beer-with-their-tacky-friends epic
18. I bought bigger glasses because my Sally Jesse Raphael pair weren't fantastic enough. Now my glasses cover a larger percentage of my face. #winning
19. Mourned the "break-up" of 1 Direction. It is a week of my time I will never get back. 
20. Had the sex talk with one child and the puberty talk with another. It was not awkward at all. 
21. Mastered the perfect beach wave. My hair is super fancy now and has started its own youtube series on lob hairstyles.
22. Enrolled my baby — because he IS still a baby — in kindergarten ... and doused my entire front porch with tears while snapping the obligatory back-to-school picture.
23. Went to Africa (aka the surface of the sun) and then Italy! This was truly life-changing and although just as important as the introduction of high-waisted pants into my wardrobe, it will definitely need at least 10 posts to describe it. Minimum. 

And that was a perfect summary of everything that has happened to me. Period.
Stay tuned for the aforementioned series on my sweaty wedding and probably the puberty talk I had with my 10-year-old.