Monday, June 30, 2014

I'm baaaaaack ...

Nice to be back.
I had to take a little blogging break because ...
A mini-vacation, if you will.
We usually never go anywhere.
Scott and I were always pinching pennies and busy with school, so the time and budget necessary to take a trip (other than to see family) had never really been a priority.
Well, I am still on a tight budget (and still adjusting to the whole single-parenting thing) but our summer was wide open so I thought I would seize the moment and take us to ... Idaho!
Because Idaho is where all children want to go during summer break.
I kid. 
But I think they loved in because we got to spend it with some special friends.
And I am deliberately trying to create memories about being fun sometimes.
And also they have never been on a vacation, so they don't even know places like Disneyland exist.
Or that I am lame.
Anyway, I have every intention of telling you everything you didn't want to know about our little holiday.
But that will have to start tomorrow.
Because I am still trying to catch up my sleep from our two-week whirlwind (during which I never went to bed before 2 a.m.).
I am exhausted and frankly kinda grouchy.
My kids have been acting psychotic ever since we returned.
So I made them do chores all day (vacuuming, folding laundry, watering plants, loading the dishwasher) and gave them a very pointed lecture on how I am not going to be their maid/short-order cook/chauffer all summer.
I am a fun mom.
So I will leave you with a very ass-inine picture that Ryan took of my friends and I.
^^ You're welcome. ^^

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Party On

So I have been exchanging messages with a few guys I "met" on an LDS dating website.
I have decided I dislike meeting people this way very much.
It is so tacky.
On this particular website, which rhymes with LDS flanet, every time you click on someone's profile, the bachelor is notified that you have "viewed" them.
And if you do it more than once, they are also made aware.
So if you can't remember if you thought they were gross or totally awesome and, say, look at the their profile a dozen times, then you look like a stalker.
Not that I have done that.
There is also the option to "flirt."
I don't understand this option.
And you should read some of these profiles!
If you are 45 and your favorite store is the Buckle, and you just love virgin margaritas, you should keep those things to yourself.
It just isn't appropriate to share with others.
And you should rethink some life decisions.
It is a whole world of dumbassery I did not even know existed.
Of course not everyone is weird, as far as I know, but I am on the lookout for scammers.
In fact, I am pretty much convinced that everyone is a scammer until proven innocent.
So anyways, back to these two guys.
Let's call them Wayne and Garth.*
Wayne is a pilot living in Alaska.
Garth is an engineer living in Corvallis.
They both seem perfectly nice and we share several things in common but they aren't Scott and it's strange.
It's different and unsettling.
I start off feeling like I am "ready" to open myself up and then I panic at the idea of moving on.
I am like the tide.
I approach the beach of mingling, get excited at the prospect of testing out the sand, become unnerved, and quickly retreat into the sea of security, and by security I mean huddled under my covers talking to myself about myself.
Aren't my cryptic analogies incredible?
Anyway, point being ... it's strange and I sound like a doofus via email.
Wayne is cute and funny but I kinda stopped talking to him because he lives in Alaska.
And was a little immature.
Garth is also cute and sounds incredibly sweet.
I am slowly getting to know him.
I miss the days of seeing someone in the gym, thinking they were cute, hustling them into going out with you, roping them in with your incredible kissing skills personality, and then wearing them down until they propose.
True story.
I will keep you posted throughout this new adventure.

*Wayne's World! Wayne's World! It's party time! Excellent!

p.s. I am really tired. Clearly.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Sometimes I ...

^^ Taken exactly a year ago at the splash pad in Olympia. I miss him so bad it hurts. ^^
Sometimes I ... don't go outside at all during an entire day.
And my parents' house is 1,100 square feet. WTH?

Sometimes I ...entertain the idea of moving to the Midwest (where the cost of living is dirt cheap) and becoming a bank teller, planting a garden, getting a cat, and raising my kids in a sleepy, wholesome American town.
Then I stop hallucinating and start focusing on things that aren't ludicrous.

Sometimes I ... turn on One Direction even when my kids aren't around.
Their songs are kinda catchy, okay? Geeze.

Sometimes I ... stand squarely facing our family photo and line myself up in front of Scott so that it looks as if he is staring directly at me.
Then I talk to him about our kids and about how my life is in shambles.

Sometimes I ... shower.
But not normally.
Showering is for sissies.

Sometimes I ... reread the entire Little House on the Prairie series instead of the newest, coolest adult novel like a grown-up.
Though I do want to read The Fault of Our Stars, which is about dying kids.
Which is probably the worst idea.

Sometimes I ... visualize the inside of my friends' houses and then mentally redecorate them in order to put myself to sleep.

Sometimes I ... eat Oreos when I am having a "fat" day.
It may seem counterproductive but, well, it is.

Sometimes I ... pretend I can't hear my kids fighting so that I don't have to "follow through" with some threat I made earlier that day.

Sometimes I ... talk my way through dinner preparation as if I were on a cooking show.
In an English accent.
Which sounds very realistic.

^^ A car selfie taken last June. My Ezzy looks so little. I look like the same mustached man I am today. ^^
^^ A peek at Ryan's new bed. I found it on Craigslist and am in love. I just want to rub my face all over it. Their little room is taking a much more Scandinavian-inspired turn and I'm really excited. Lots of white and other neutrals.  ^^ 

Thursday, June 5, 2014

The GRE is over ... for now

I successfully completed the GRE today.
The GRE is a entry-level test required of some graduate schools.
I received a partial score and will be sent the remainder of my score once my written essays have been graded.
The points I did receive were pretty good.
In fact, they meet the minimum requirement for application prerequisites.
However, I think I am going to retake them later in the summer anyway.
As soon as I finished the test, I felt like I had a better idea of how to manage my time more efficiently and what math concepts I needed to become more familiar with.
I could probably submit the current scores to several schools, but I'm not happy with my performance.
My dad says the scores are fine and to leave it alone.
I cannot leave anything alone.
I just know I can do better.
I then came home and had an existential meltdown.
I was wrestling with my purpose in life and what I want to spend my time doing.
It was very dramatic.
I sat with my head in my hands.
Then I leaned up against the wall and sighed really loudly.
I slammed my fist into my other palm.
I shed a single tear.
All while listening to that sad Sarah McLachlan song that is playing during all the SPCA commercials about homeless dogs.
I began to rethink my whole educational focus.
I previously thought that maybe I would get a masters in public relations.
I have since decided that I will not do that.
I just doesn't feel right.
My dad got home and asked about how my test went and I bombarded him with questions about what it takes to become an ultrasound technician.
I am trying to be realistic about my education and I don't want to pay for training in a field that doesn't pay enough to raise a family on.
Or something that I will hate with every fiber of my being.
But while I am grappling with my innermost feelings of desperation, I will leave you with a few links.

1. An article I was sent.
I read it three times.
And cried.
You will cry too.
I dare you not to.
(You should still read it, without mascara.)

2. Check out this playhouse.
It is ridiculous.
And by ridiculous I don't mean ridiculously cool, I mean completely stupid.
This dad basically built a miniature version of his own home complete with air conditioner, T.V., and granite counter tops.
I don't understand the point.
^^ This kid has more real estate than I do. How embarrassing. ^^
It's almost Friday!
Which as a parent doesn't mean much, but I look forward to it nonetheless!

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Every day is like the one before ...

Lately I have been feeling like every day is the same.
I perform the same tedious tasks in a slightly different order.
Instead of each day taking on it's own shape and purpose, they all meld together.
Instead of feeling productive and worthwhile, I feel as if my days are spent attending to duties that any half-wit could execute.
I think the problem is that I don't have a set of defined short-term and long-term goals.
That, and I don't have a companion to work with on that same design.
I am floundering, like a fish, flipping around, mouth agape trying to catch my breath.
It is weird, because before Scott passed away I was spending my days very much the same way I am now: doing laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, and taking care of my kids.
But now it feels different.
Like I should be doing more.
Graduate school, a job, buying a home ... these are all goals I have but they feel elusive.
Like they would be nice to accomplish but I am too busy running in 18 different directions getting nothing done.
Sometimes I almost catch myself wishing someone would enter my life and make everything right.
Fix it by filling in where Scott left off.
Isn't that ridiculous? And just really ridiculous?
I don't need any help, I insist.
I can achieve all these things on my own, I say.
I need to plan as if I am going to be doing all these things by myself.
And enjoy it. This is my awesome life.
And then I roll my eyes into the back of my skull and face plant on my bed.
I am having so much anxiety about this upcoming test I can barely put two coherent thoughts together.
So whether I tank or score 1 zillion percent I am just looking forward to having it over.

p.s. I cannot not be lame today.

Monday, June 2, 2014

This weekend was sorta productive

So this weekend my sister and I saw each other for the first time in weeks.
I had nearly forgotten what she looked like.
After we were reacquainted, we launched into our Saturday lineup.
Our plan was to pump out a large number of crafts while our children all played harmoniously together without fighting.
Eight hours later, we had finished two projects each.
Projects, that had we worked on uninterrupted, would have only taken 30 minutes. Total.
And everyone had been fighting.
In between settling arguments, feeding kids, changing diapers, and then feeding the same kids five more times, we managed to eek out a few little things.
If I am being completely honest about my expectations, I would say it was a success.
The fact that we accomplished anything at all is a Christmas miracle.
Also, in other important news, Ezra started riding his bike sans training wheels!
He has been emotionally working up to this for some time.
The Great Fall of 2011 was a huge stumbling block. (He fell from his bike into a patch of grass, and his confidence was shattered. He wouldn't go near his bike for months. He is a touch dramatic. I have no idea where he gets that).
So needless to say, he had a lot to overcome.
But he has now joined the rest of the children of the world and can ride a two-wheeler.
And sometimes he can turn! And stop without hitting the curb first!
It is very exciting.
^^ A growth chart. To chart my kids' growth. I have now made two of these.
(Amy, I am giving you the other one, if you still want it) ^^
^^ A close up. Like the fancy DIY blogs do. ^^
^^ This is the tooth pillow. It has a little pocket on the back to hold a lost tooth. So the tooth fairy doesn't have to, say, crawl around on the ground under the bed looking for the world's smallest tooth in the pitch black night. ^^
^^ My dad is so cute. ^^
^^ There he is! Ezzy riding the teeniest circus bike. He has a larger one, but we aren't quite ready for that jelly. Baby steps. ^^
^^ Watching his big bro from the plasma car. You should see him careen down the driveway on that thing a million miles a hour only to stop on a dime right before the street. ^^