Sunday, March 30, 2014

Have I got a story for you ...

^^ He's so handsome^^
If there is anyone out there dealing with loss, death, sadness or the like, then we should be friends.
It would be nice if we could hold hands because sometimes all you really want is a good hand to hold.
I deal with all of those things every day.
Sometimes I deal with it like a put-together adult.
Other times I am sobbing with my face buried in the carpet, my grocery bags splayed out around me on the living room floor.
I try not to let others see that type of reaction too often because then I get looks of pity.
I know that they don't mean any harm, and the looks of pity are really an expression of concern and uncertainty and lets face it, I would be casting the same look if I wasn't going through the loss of a loved one.
Two loved ones, really.
You see, I lost my husband of ten years ... recently.
It was 8 weeks and two days ago exactly.
We went through undergraduate school at BYU-Idaho and then another four years of medical school.
We have three young children, ages 7, 5, and 2.
And we recently moved for the 14th time to our final destination, Eugene, Oregon so Scott could join a fancy optometry practice and we could start our real, grown-up life.
He worked at Eyecare Focus for three months and we saw for the first time in our marriage what money looked like.
Real money, that you can spend.
So we decided that as our first act as real adults we would buy a house.
A beautiful, new house that would give our children a healthy place to grow and live.
It would make up for all the grody apartments we lived in while in school as dirt-poor students. Forever.
But someone else had a different plan.
Which sounds cliche, but really is the honest-to-goodness truth.
If there is anything I have learned thus far, it is how very little control I have over most things.
And how God's plan is a lot more boundless and far-reaching.
Anyway, at 1:37 a.m. on January 31, Scott left this life and all of us behind in an unanticipated turn of events.
It is called atherosclerotic coronary artery disease.
And it usually only affects the elderly.
Or so everyone thought.
You can read a little more about it here.
Nevertheless, my world came to a halt.
I was completely lost.
Still am really.
And my kids are without a father.
And I am living with my dad and step mom.
With my kids, like sardines.
Which leads me to my second loss.
Which actually happened prior to Scotty's passing.
My mom died on April, 23 2010.
It too, was sudden and unexpected.
She walked herself into the emergency room early Friday morning and was gone just a few hours later as she was being life-flighted to OHSU in Portland.
She never even knew that she had acute leukemia.
She was 49, a young 49, and was determined to reach the age of 100.
I would have put money on it too, if I was the gambling type. Which I am not.
I was devastated. And my kids spent a fair amount of time in front of the T.V. during the months following her death.
But through it all, my own family remained intact.
And that provided some comfort and stability.
But losing Scott was a whole different ball game.
Now all those responsibilities that he shouldered are racing around in my mind all day, every day.
I become hysterical at the smallest hitch.
I sobbed myself into a puddle the other day because my youngest microwaved my phone.
It smelled like burning and it was just one more thing I couldn't handle.
But then the following day I was out running errands and I saw the best thing.
A very beefy man, a strapping lad with a serious face and hulking arms crossed in front of my car riding a mint green cruiser-bike with a brown basket attached to the front.
He was very solemn and determined.
And I realized in that moment that there were things to be happy about.
That life goes on, maybe not in a way we expect or even planned, but they go on and we can either run and catch up, or get mired down and miss out.
Today I choose to run and catch up.
Tomorrow may be a different story altogether.
I will let you know.


  1. I am following you. And crying right along with you. You are strong and may not feel it, but I read it in your words. I love this picture of Scott. It captures his personality...thoughtful, kind, with a little mischievousness in there. He is a great man, Brianne. And I, too, believe he is there with you. I pray for you each and every day. I love you!

  2. This is a beautiful blog, it shows such strength and honesty. I hope that you are able to find peace again someday. I wish all good things for you. Virtual hugs and hand holds, Maria

  3. I love each passage and every word you write. I am here, listening, caring, and loving! I pray for you and think of you so often. You are so strong and such an amazing person. I am learning so much from you! Thank you for sharing your darkest times and your happy times and for letting us all in. We are all here for you and love you so much!