Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Every day is like the one before ...

Lately I have been feeling like every day is the same.
I perform the same tedious tasks in a slightly different order.
Instead of each day taking on it's own shape and purpose, they all meld together.
Instead of feeling productive and worthwhile, I feel as if my days are spent attending to duties that any half-wit could execute.
I think the problem is that I don't have a set of defined short-term and long-term goals.
That, and I don't have a companion to work with on that same design.
I am floundering, like a fish, flipping around, mouth agape trying to catch my breath.
It is weird, because before Scott passed away I was spending my days very much the same way I am now: doing laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, and taking care of my kids.
But now it feels different.
Like I should be doing more.
Graduate school, a job, buying a home ... these are all goals I have but they feel elusive.
Like they would be nice to accomplish but I am too busy running in 18 different directions getting nothing done.
Sometimes I almost catch myself wishing someone would enter my life and make everything right.
Fix it by filling in where Scott left off.
Isn't that ridiculous? And just really ridiculous?
I don't need any help, I insist.
I can achieve all these things on my own, I say.
I need to plan as if I am going to be doing all these things by myself.
And enjoy it. This is my awesome life.
And then I roll my eyes into the back of my skull and face plant on my bed.
I am having so much anxiety about this upcoming test I can barely put two coherent thoughts together.
So whether I tank or score 1 zillion percent I am just looking forward to having it over.

p.s. I cannot not be lame today.

1 comment:

  1. I hope you are having a happier day. Some days just suck. While a single mom, I planned on being a single mom the rest of my life and was working on a degree when Michael and I met. I say just plan that you'll be doing it alone and you'll be happily surprised when that changes.