The plan ...

Eating gelato on our honeymoon.
We ate this every. single. day because: Italy.

Last night I was taking a shower and talking to myself about my day, as a normal person would do, and I got to thinking about the blog.
I have a lot of things backlogged that I want to share.
I really want to talk about my guy (...let's first stop and delight in the fact that I HAVE A GUY!), the wedding, and the new family sitch.
I want to explain the trip to Africa (why the eff Africa ... for starters) and our lovermoon to Italy.
And I want to show off the house and basically document every single detail about it: the changes we made, the way we I am decorating it, and why I will be marrying my counter top as soon as it is legal to wed a work surface.

But the thought of writing until my fingers bleed for sake of documentation purposes gives me a bit of an eye twitch.
I discussed with me three options:
1) I could get a boob job. As I was contemplating my future writing endeavors, I happened to look down at my sad, limp chest. Picture, if you will, a knot of silly putty; you know how when you remove the silly putty from its plastic egg and manipulate it with your hands, and then perhaps stretch it in half and hold one end up and let the other slowly elongate until you have two small lumps connected by a thin membrane of pliable clay? Imagine that puddling in the bottom of a bra and you will have a vision of my femininity. So there's that.
2) I could be my regular self and write until I no longer have individual fingers but instead two bloody stumps because I am long-winded and my natural inclination is to include every. element. of. my. life. that. ever. happened. This option could then in turn set me even farther back unless I stop doing things until I catch up.  
3) I could dedicate one, succinct post to each fantastical, life-changing event and call it a wrap.
Yes.
It is decided.
Number 3 is probably the direction I am going to drive this mother in.
That was really the only good option anyway, but I like to give myself several choices so that I feel like I make decisions. 
I think I will start in chronological order and just lay it out there while trying not to be too wordy.
And now to leave you with a few photos of this year.
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be ... sun more.

Ezra loves animals. But this one did not
love him. Look at his face. #wth

My beautiful freckle ballerina. 

The Fourth of July with all four
of our kids. That sounds weird. Four kids. 

Micah is 5! And wearing glasses.
He's so cute I literally cannot even
look at him. It is blinding.

A back shot of the 'ole tat. This shot was made
even classier by my twisted bra strap.

Testing, testing ....

Pretty. I especially love my meaty, veiny neck. Looking like a wrestler was
the vision I had for my nuptials. #nailedit 

Do you remember when I used to blog?
Like, almost every day?
Yeah, me either.
It had been so long that I actually forgot the password required to log in to my account.
And the name of my blog.
And what a blog is.
But then I slapped myself and remembered and thought, "I miss blogging. I miss oversharing all of my most intimate and personal thoughts with total strangers who will probably pity me and judge me while they watch my life unfold like the train wreck it is."
And it is for this reason that I have decided after an 18-month hiatus, to begin writing again.
'Cause I have loads to share.
And approximately 8 million photos to upload.
And need a creative outlet to distract me from my "real" job.
Also my life is completely different from what it was a year and a half ago.
In fact, if you remember where I was last ... MARCH?!? .... then picture the exact opposite of that.
Before I dropped off the face of the internet. 
Where I am now makes me so unbelievably giddy I literally want to tear all of my hair out and then use it to make pom poms to cheer for myself and my happier life.
But first a recap of the last year. *this is in no particular order and every event is of equal importance. **some of these events may also require more explanation and warrant their own post.

1. I met a boy, er, man. He had a sexy voice and a good sense of humor. We fell in love.
2. I learned how to use emojiis.
3. I discovered high-waisted jeans and now my mom-tummy is tucked in nice and tight. I am so on fleek.
4. I learned what "fleek" means and began overusing it. I am totes trendy. Obvs.
5. I started collecting and listening to records. As you can tell, I became a lot more hip this year.
6. I adopted a skinny pig. (Well, actually Santa got Ezra a skinny pig — which is a hairless guinea pig — for Christmas. His name was Alan. He looked like a penis.)
7. I totaled my car. And by me, I actually mean a dumb guy who hit me like a big idiot.
8. I got a new, better car. My Honda Pilot is basically a part of my family.
9. I discovered World Market. 
10. ... After I bought my first house with the man I mentioned in event #1.
11. ... After we got married.
12. ... On the hottest day of the year. I had boob sweat for days.
13. I contracted C-diff. At once point I gazed wearily from the window of my hospital room and actually wished that I were the man that I could see outside fixing the roof of the annex next below me. It was that bad.
14. I got another tattoo. Shhhhhh ... 
15. I went to Denver and spent some time with my favorite friends. They get me ... and now know things about me that no one else does.
16. I watched Micah "Whip" and watched him "Nay, nay."
17. I saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens. It was really epic, and not in the way a teenager would describe sneaking-out-of-their-parent's-house-and-stealing-the-car-in-order-drive-up-to-woods-and-drink-cheap-beer-with-their-tacky-friends epic
18. I bought bigger glasses because my Sally Jesse Raphael pair weren't fantastic enough. Now my glasses cover a larger percentage of my face. #winning
19. Mourned the "break-up" of 1 Direction. It is a week of my time I will never get back. 
20. Had the sex talk with one child and the puberty talk with another. It was not awkward at all. 
21. Mastered the perfect beach wave. My hair is super fancy now and has started its own youtube series on lob hairstyles.
22. Enrolled my baby — because he IS still a baby — in kindergarten ... and doused my entire front porch with tears while snapping the obligatory back-to-school picture.
23. Went to Africa (aka the surface of the sun) and then Italy! This was truly life-changing and although just as important as the introduction of high-waisted pants into my wardrobe, it will definitely need at least 10 posts to describe it. Minimum. 

And that was a perfect summary of everything that has happened to me. Period.
Stay tuned for the aforementioned series on my sweaty wedding and probably the puberty talk I had with my 10-year-old.

On a Monday night ...

As I am writing this, all I can hear are the tortured sounds of my two oldest bellowing at each other in the backyard.
They fight constantly, and yet, instead of retreating to their respective corners, they insist on remaining within a two-foot radius of each other.
They are constantly bothered by one another, yet are forever sharing the same breaths.
It's weird.
And annoying.
But in cases such as these, I just shut and lock the door, pretend not to hear them crying or tattling, and watch YouTube tutorials on how to create natural-looking beach waves or how to apply lip liner.
Then I think about making dinner.
But decide that because the sun is out an hour longer, dinner should be an hour later.
And should consist of cereal.
And then I think that I should get the kids in bed early so that I can watch an different episode of Glee on Netflix because I left off on the episode, yesterday, where Finn died and ended up crying myself to sleep.
Not because Finn died.
I don't even know him.
But because death, in general, is sad and hard.
And somehow it became a big part of my life.
And I am tired of being uncertain, sad, overextended, and alone.
And also I am tired of listening to my whiny self talk about bereavement.
I mean, all I do is whine and whiiiiiiine, and GO ON AND ON.
I am beginning to see where my kids got the annoying gene.
Seriously, I need a slap in the face.
Or a fishhook to the lips.
And now I am going to make meatloaf.
Because nothing gives you a feeling of equanimity quite like a brick of meat.
How about a few inspirational treasures?

^^ She is so pretty. I just want to rip her whole face off and glue it to mine. Her eyebrows are perfection. ^^

^^ This. ^^

^^ This is what my dreams are made of. I am saving up for it. You know, to buy and then place on my dad's front lawn. Because I don't have a house of my own. And then I will rub my face on it. #illogicalfinancialgoals ^^

^^ And don't forget this. ^^

My super awesome life

In the last three weeks I have been spending a lot of time in one of these:

^^ Well, I haven't been spending time in this bathroom. If I had a bathroom that looked like this I wouldn't even need the rest of the house. I would make a "Girls Only" sign for the door, create a cozy little nest in the shower, become a recluse, grow out my nails Howard Hughes-style, watch movies in the nude, and never leave. ^^ 

Trying to convince Micah that this is part of God's plan:

^^ Have you read this book? It's gross. ^^

And when I wasn't being the potty cleaner-upper whisperer, I was trying to stifle my disdain for handling human poo by unlocking my inner tranquility in an aerial yoga studio.
I learned that I am very inflexible and have poor bladder control.
I also learned that one does not unlock anything doing aerial yoga except an overpowering need to giggle loudly in a quiet gym when everyone else looks like this :

And I look like this:

^^ Flattering, no? This is a real picture of me at Bounce Gymnastics. ^^

And yes, it echoed.
Meanwhile, when I wasn't embarrassing myself in front of a lot of limber ladies, I was watching The Bachelor.
Because it is a sophisticated show.
And I need to get some applicable dating tips for my life.

^^ I predict Chris will pick Becca. You heard it here first. ^^

Which means that I was not getting enough of this:

^^ This baby is so cute I could just eat him. ^^

And then after being completely exhausted, it was my birthday!
I turned 33 this year and I am hoping it is my best year yet.
I certainly think it will beat last year.
32 blew.
And to ring in another year of ME, my family got me an ice cream cake (my favorite kind of cake):

And we listened to Backstreet Boys:

^^ Kevin was always my fav (second from the right). ^^

And Ace of Base.
I knew every song.

Word.

And then I thought about tattoos.
And what I want my next one to look like.
Because I am a rebel at heart.

And then I realized that I hadn't blogged in three weeks.

Because I was too busy watching quality television and stuffing my face with a slabs of layered ice cream. 

Amen.

One year

January 31 was the "anniversary" (for lack of a better word) of Scott's passing.
One year ago our lives changed. Drastically.
And I remember one year ago, I could barely breath.
Like, literally, I could not fill my lungs with enough air.
I felt completely obliterated.
And totally adrift.
I didn't sleep.
My mind never stopped circling.
Circling around my loss, my kids, my future, my lack of direction.
It was the lowest I had ever been.
And I look back and am glad that I am not there anymore.
Every day is a little better.
Sometimes the difference is so subtle it feels as if I am standing still.
Or worse, moving backwards.
But then a week, a month, six months later ... I find myself laughing at something without the all-too-familiar heartache.
It really does get easier with time.
And then a year has passed.
And my life (which is not perfect or even completely on track) feels normal again.
Our family dynamic has changed, but that change no longer feels like a change.
It feels regular.
And that is a gift.
In fact, today I was at church lecturing teaching the 12 and 13-year-old young women about adversity.
We talked about how trials and challenges are a part of life.
No one can avoid them.
Some are self-inflicted and others are the result of someone else's poor choice.
And then sometimes pain and hardship just happen.
Death, illness, infertility.
Everybody has something that tests them.
Mine right now is losing a parent and a spouse.
And accepting that I have small, sad boobs that puddle in the bottom of my brassiere.
But I have also learned that having a good attitude, hope, and structured undergarments go a long way.
I believe that things will improve.
That the best parts of my life are still ahead of me.
And that I will appreciate them that much more.
Until then, I will do what I have been doing: I will put one foot in front of the other.

^^ Family pictures. He cooperated for 12.6 seconds. Luckily, my sister has a quick trigger finger and captured this. ^^

^^ He was angelic. He gave me, like, 25 pictures that all looked this great. ^^

^^ I see this expression a lot. Her teen years are going to be magical. ^^

^^ This is my favorite of the bunch. I am contemplating this photo on a large canvas. ^^

^^ This is how loving they are all the time. In opposite world. ^^

^^ My little family. ^^

^^ You're welcome. ^^

Have a happy week.

Christmas: Part 3 ... finally

Now that it is nearly February, how about a nice Christmas recap?
I will basically offer narration for these photos because it was so long ago I can't remember anything that happened.
We celebrated it as a family of four.
Which was kinda perfect.
It was also a little bit sad.
For me.
The kids seemed just fine as they manically tore through their presents like a bunch of loons.
I tried to slow down the madness, but Christmas was over 12.6 seconds after it started.
And then they played ... all day.
In peace.
It was a Christmas miracle.
In fact, they played with their new toys for three days straight, and then they remembered how annoying they find each other and how boring their lives are, and just like that, the holiday magic was gone.
Oh well. It was special while it lasted.
And Santa did an exceptional job with the presents this year.
And by Santa, I absolutely mean me. *shoots a finger gun at myself in mirror*
It was fun to see them so happy, so wide-eyed and, well, child-like.
I always worry that they lost a bit of that a little too early.
But then I see it, and I feel a sense of relief.
Like they can still look back on their childhood with fondness and contentment, and feel like it was good and see how hard I tried to make it filled with love and stability.
I find myself struggling sometimes with feeling like they are getting gypped (but not in the racist way that stems from nomadic 'gypsies' who are stereotyped as thieving criminals) just that they somehow got burned.
Anyway, I am just feeling sentimental because we are reaching the big year mark and I find myself more tired and thoughtful and cheerless.
And on that pleasant note, let's check out a few random pictures ...

^^ Santa brought Ryan a tracing light box. It's the best and she loves it. It offer hours and hours of silent drawing. Score. ^^

^^ We need to work on Micah's 'natural' smile. It is kinda strained. ^^

^^ Nice. ^^

^^ No, Ezra is not training to be a Chippendale's dancer. Yes, he did insist on wearing this new vest sans shirt ALL DAY. ^^

^^ The aftermath. Micah is hiding behind the marble run. ^^

I have been overtired and am still adjusting to my new schedule (read: frenzied pace) but am hoping to begin regularly blogging again.
And I have thoughts on the upcoming "anniversary" (for lack of a better word) of Scott's passing that I will over-share soon.
I need to get them written down and off my small chest.
Until then ...

Working Girl

So I started working.
Like a paying job.
Oh, I know, I know.
I get paid in LOVE at home.
And as much as I enjoy watching my children weep and gag down their homemade sweet & sour meatballs with rice and fresh snap peas all while pleading with me to "never make this dish again," it as also gratifying to have your associate compliment you on a job well done and then hand you a check.
Now don't get me wrong, I wish that I could just stay at home with my boogers (my kids, not my actual boogers) all day and still meet my financial goals and inch closer to buying our own house, but that isn't an option right now.
In fact, I didn't really appreciate how lucky I was to have a spouse that encouraged me to rock the homemaker/mommy job while he headed to school/work every day and single-handedly shouldered the stress and responsibility of supporting our family and building our future.
So now it falls to me.
And frankly, sometimes I think it sucks.
Change is uncomfortable and hard.
I cry every morning when I have to leave Micah.
And then I cry at night because I am tired.
I just worked a full day and then I ran errands, supervised homework, made dinner, folded laundry, read bedtime stories, and then packed lunches for the following day.
I am learning all the time how serious it is to be a single parent.
Seriously exhausting.
In fact, it is only 9:41 and I feel like this:

But I also know that eventually something that felt new and scary will feel normal and routine.
And I also know that eventually my situation will not be so difficult.
And the idea that my future is unknown and unplanned feels exciting and interesting.
Except when it is night ... or morning ... or when I am lonely ... or stressed.
So basically for, like, five minutes of my day.
Whateves.
So on that note, here is a picture of my awesome helmet that my very talented brother Brady made for me to wear in our championship bout next weekend!
I predict that we are going to win.
You heard it here first.

^^ I love it. I will probably start wearing it all the time. Even when I am not skating. I think this would be very appropriate for casual Friday. p.s. I work at a law office. ^^

Also this is my face on my first day back to work.
I am very happy about the direction my hair is taking.
Which you wouldn't know by looking at this amazing photo.

Okay peeps, I will be back with my final installment of Christmas (I haven't forgotten), plus I want to share our family pictures.
They were amazing.
p.s. Did you happen to notice that my mustache is gone?
That also makes me very happy.
I look like a girl! Holla!