On a Monday night ...

As I am writing this, all I can hear are the tortured sounds of my two oldest bellowing at each other in the backyard.
They fight constantly, and yet, instead of retreating to their respective corners, they insist on remaining within a two-foot radius of each other.
They are constantly bothered by one another, yet are forever sharing the same breaths.
It's weird.
And annoying.
But in cases such as these, I just shut and lock the door, pretend not to hear them crying or tattling, and watch YouTube tutorials on how to create natural-looking beach waves or how to apply lip liner.
Then I think about making dinner.
But decide that because the sun is out an hour longer, dinner should be an hour later.
And should consist of cereal.
And then I think that I should get the kids in bed early so that I can watch an different episode of Glee on Netflix because I left off on the episode, yesterday, where Finn died and ended up crying myself to sleep.
Not because Finn died.
I don't even know him.
But because death, in general, is sad and hard.
And somehow it became a big part of my life.
And I am tired of being uncertain, sad, overextended, and alone.
And also I am tired of listening to my whiny self talk about bereavement.
I mean, all I do is whine and whiiiiiiine, and GO ON AND ON.
I am beginning to see where my kids got the annoying gene.
Seriously, I need a slap in the face.
Or a fishhook to the lips.
And now I am going to make meatloaf.
Because nothing gives you a feeling of equanimity quite like a brick of meat.
How about a few inspirational treasures?

^^ She is so pretty. I just want to rip her whole face off and glue it to mine. Her eyebrows are perfection. ^^

^^ This. ^^

^^ This is what my dreams are made of. I am saving up for it. You know, to buy and then place on my dad's front lawn. Because I don't have a house of my own. And then I will rub my face on it. #illogicalfinancialgoals ^^

^^ And don't forget this. ^^

My super awesome life

In the last three weeks I have been spending a lot of time in one of these:

^^ Well, I haven't been spending time in this bathroom. If I had a bathroom that looked like this I wouldn't even need the rest of the house. I would make a "Girls Only" sign for the door, create a cozy little nest in the shower, become a recluse, grow out my nails Howard Hughes-style, watch movies in the nude, and never leave. ^^ 

Trying to convince Micah that this is part of God's plan:

^^ Have you read this book? It's gross. ^^

And when I wasn't being the potty cleaner-upper whisperer, I was trying to stifle my disdain for handling human poo by unlocking my inner tranquility in an aerial yoga studio.
I learned that I am very inflexible and have poor bladder control.
I also learned that one does not unlock anything doing aerial yoga except an overpowering need to giggle loudly in a quiet gym when everyone else looks like this :

And I look like this:

^^ Flattering, no? This is a real picture of me at Bounce Gymnastics. ^^

And yes, it echoed.
Meanwhile, when I wasn't embarrassing myself in front of a lot of limber ladies, I was watching The Bachelor.
Because it is a sophisticated show.
And I need to get some applicable dating tips for my life.

^^ I predict Chris will pick Becca. You heard it here first. ^^

Which means that I was not getting enough of this:

^^ This baby is so cute I could just eat him. ^^

And then after being completely exhausted, it was my birthday!
I turned 33 this year and I am hoping it is my best year yet.
I certainly think it will beat last year.
32 blew.
And to ring in another year of ME, my family got me an ice cream cake (my favorite kind of cake):

And we listened to Backstreet Boys:

^^ Kevin was always my fav (second from the right). ^^

And Ace of Base.
I knew every song.

Word.

And then I thought about tattoos.
And what I want my next one to look like.
Because I am a rebel at heart.

And then I realized that I hadn't blogged in three weeks.

Because I was too busy watching quality television and stuffing my face with a slabs of layered ice cream. 

Amen.

One year

January 31 was the "anniversary" (for lack of a better word) of Scott's passing.
One year ago our lives changed. Drastically.
And I remember one year ago, I could barely breath.
Like, literally, I could not fill my lungs with enough air.
I felt completely obliterated.
And totally adrift.
I didn't sleep.
My mind never stopped circling.
Circling around my loss, my kids, my future, my lack of direction.
It was the lowest I had ever been.
And I look back and am glad that I am not there anymore.
Every day is a little better.
Sometimes the difference is so subtle it feels as if I am standing still.
Or worse, moving backwards.
But then a week, a month, six months later ... I find myself laughing at something without the all-too-familiar heartache.
It really does get easier with time.
And then a year has passed.
And my life (which is not perfect or even completely on track) feels normal again.
Our family dynamic has changed, but that change no longer feels like a change.
It feels regular.
And that is a gift.
In fact, today I was at church lecturing teaching the 12 and 13-year-old young women about adversity.
We talked about how trials and challenges are a part of life.
No one can avoid them.
Some are self-inflicted and others are the result of someone else's poor choice.
And then sometimes pain and hardship just happen.
Death, illness, infertility.
Everybody has something that tests them.
Mine right now is losing a parent and a spouse.
And accepting that I have small, sad boobs that puddle in the bottom of my brassiere.
But I have also learned that having a good attitude, hope, and structured undergarments go a long way.
I believe that things will improve.
That the best parts of my life are still ahead of me.
And that I will appreciate them that much more.
Until then, I will do what I have been doing: I will put one foot in front of the other.

^^ Family pictures. He cooperated for 12.6 seconds. Luckily, my sister has a quick trigger finger and captured this. ^^

^^ He was angelic. He gave me, like, 25 pictures that all looked this great. ^^

^^ I see this expression a lot. Her teen years are going to be magical. ^^

^^ This is my favorite of the bunch. I am contemplating this photo on a large canvas. ^^

^^ This is how loving they are all the time. In opposite world. ^^

^^ My little family. ^^

^^ You're welcome. ^^

Have a happy week.

Christmas: Part 3 ... finally

Now that it is nearly February, how about a nice Christmas recap?
I will basically offer narration for these photos because it was so long ago I can't remember anything that happened.
We celebrated it as a family of four.
Which was kinda perfect.
It was also a little bit sad.
For me.
The kids seemed just fine as they manically tore through their presents like a bunch of loons.
I tried to slow down the madness, but Christmas was over 12.6 seconds after it started.
And then they played ... all day.
In peace.
It was a Christmas miracle.
In fact, they played with their new toys for three days straight, and then they remembered how annoying they find each other and how boring their lives are, and just like that, the holiday magic was gone.
Oh well. It was special while it lasted.
And Santa did an exceptional job with the presents this year.
And by Santa, I absolutely mean me. *shoots a finger gun at myself in mirror*
It was fun to see them so happy, so wide-eyed and, well, child-like.
I always worry that they lost a bit of that a little too early.
But then I see it, and I feel a sense of relief.
Like they can still look back on their childhood with fondness and contentment, and feel like it was good and see how hard I tried to make it filled with love and stability.
I find myself struggling sometimes with feeling like they are getting gypped (but not in the racist way that stems from nomadic 'gypsies' who are stereotyped as thieving criminals) just that they somehow got burned.
Anyway, I am just feeling sentimental because we are reaching the big year mark and I find myself more tired and thoughtful and cheerless.
And on that pleasant note, let's check out a few random pictures ...

^^ Santa brought Ryan a tracing light box. It's the best and she loves it. It offer hours and hours of silent drawing. Score. ^^

^^ We need to work on Micah's 'natural' smile. It is kinda strained. ^^

^^ Nice. ^^

^^ No, Ezra is not training to be a Chippendale's dancer. Yes, he did insist on wearing this new vest sans shirt ALL DAY. ^^

^^ The aftermath. Micah is hiding behind the marble run. ^^

I have been overtired and am still adjusting to my new schedule (read: frenzied pace) but am hoping to begin regularly blogging again.
And I have thoughts on the upcoming "anniversary" (for lack of a better word) of Scott's passing that I will over-share soon.
I need to get them written down and off my small chest.
Until then ...

Working Girl

So I started working.
Like a paying job.
Oh, I know, I know.
I get paid in LOVE at home.
And as much as I enjoy watching my children weep and gag down their homemade sweet & sour meatballs with rice and fresh snap peas all while pleading with me to "never make this dish again," it as also gratifying to have your associate compliment you on a job well done and then hand you a check.
Now don't get me wrong, I wish that I could just stay at home with my boogers (my kids, not my actual boogers) all day and still meet my financial goals and inch closer to buying our own house, but that isn't an option right now.
In fact, I didn't really appreciate how lucky I was to have a spouse that encouraged me to rock the homemaker/mommy job while he headed to school/work every day and single-handedly shouldered the stress and responsibility of supporting our family and building our future.
So now it falls to me.
And frankly, sometimes I think it sucks.
Change is uncomfortable and hard.
I cry every morning when I have to leave Micah.
And then I cry at night because I am tired.
I just worked a full day and then I ran errands, supervised homework, made dinner, folded laundry, read bedtime stories, and then packed lunches for the following day.
I am learning all the time how serious it is to be a single parent.
Seriously exhausting.
In fact, it is only 9:41 and I feel like this:

But I also know that eventually something that felt new and scary will feel normal and routine.
And I also know that eventually my situation will not be so difficult.
And the idea that my future is unknown and unplanned feels exciting and interesting.
Except when it is night ... or morning ... or when I am lonely ... or stressed.
So basically for, like, five minutes of my day.
Whateves.
So on that note, here is a picture of my awesome helmet that my very talented brother Brady made for me to wear in our championship bout next weekend!
I predict that we are going to win.
You heard it here first.

^^ I love it. I will probably start wearing it all the time. Even when I am not skating. I think this would be very appropriate for casual Friday. p.s. I work at a law office. ^^

Also this is my face on my first day back to work.
I am very happy about the direction my hair is taking.
Which you wouldn't know by looking at this amazing photo.

Okay peeps, I will be back with my final installment of Christmas (I haven't forgotten), plus I want to share our family pictures.
They were amazing.
p.s. Did you happen to notice that my mustache is gone?
That also makes me very happy.
I look like a girl! Holla!

Christmas Adam and Christmas Eve

So when I get back from practice at 10:30 at night, I often find myself wired for the next three hours or so.
It blows.
I need to go to sleep because tomorrow is fast approaching and I still haven't recovered from today.
But I can't because I was effing exercising at bedtime.
It takes me forever to unwind.
So naturally, I decide it is the perfect time to file some government paperwork.
And then organize all the pictures I took over Christmas.
And watch a cooking show.
Then assemble a snack.
Also, I haven't blogged in a while.
So despite the fact that it is well past midnight and my kids will be waking up at dawn, I think I will write a lengthy entry about all the activities we crammed in before Christmas (which in my book is actually the best part of the holidays; if you think about it, Christmas morning itself is somewhat anticlimactic because it is over in a flourish and then you have 7,000 slivers of wrapping paper to clean up and nothing to look forward to. It's a drag and a half.)
Anyway, let me just clean the kitchen real quick.
Okay, I am back and I am serious about writing this post.
And overwhelming you with a lot of pictures that will most likely bore you to tears.
Because they are all different versions of the same picture.
You're welcome.
Fo' real.

^^ Sporting their Christmas threads for church. My dad has scary eyes. ^^

^^ Nearly all the cousins on the Beard side (minus baby Evelyn — who is 5 months old and hates me) preparing for their dessert on the kitchen floor. We made them eat it here, all crammed together, so we could contain the mess. ^^

And now on to the aforementioned repeats.
But, in my defense, there wasn't a single picture taken of us looking in the same direction.
So I decided to include them all.
That, and it has become harder and harder to get all the original Beard kids together in the same room long enough for a picture.
Or 80.

^^ Me (duh), my youngest brother Brady, Britney the Beautiful, and Danger Bryce. ^^

^^ I wish Brady were smiling bigger so you could see that collectively we have the biggest teeth any family ever had. Including horse families. ^^

^^ My siblings are so attractive. Meanwhile, I look preggo. Lovely. ^^

^^ I assure you I am not. That would be physically impossible at this point in time. TMI? ^^

You should have seen the mass chaos that was happening just outside of this frame.
Two thousand kids all crying at once and clamoring for our attention.

^^ And with my Dad, the creator. I'm gross. ^^

And then on Christmas Adam (you know the night before Christmas Eve — because Adam came before Eve ...) the kids and I decorated a gingerbread house and drove around in our jammies looking at Christmas lights.
Not at the same time.
It was quite magical, if I do say so myself (which I absolutely do because I orchestrated it single-handedly and it went off without a hitch).
My Dad and Heather were in California visiting family so it was just the four of us.
Which proved to be perfect and a little sad at the same time.

^^ Another picture without a funny caption because I am getting tired. ^^

^^ This was the best one. It is getting so late. I am reaching a point where it may become necessary to prop my eyelids open with toothpicks in order to finish. ^^

^^ Last one! Making chocolate-dipped pretzels for Santa on Christmas Eve. Exercise-induced frenzy wearing off ..... ^^

I will be back to finish up my Christmas trilogy ... soon.
And a Happy New Year!

Marry Christmas!

Okay, everyone drop everything (even if it is a baby) and listen to me.
I am shooting out a quick post on pre-pre-Christmas happenings, and then I intend to type up a proper entry regarding actual introductory Christmas proceedings once I can sort out all the pictures.
Then I will most likely bore you with a real-time Christmas report, followed by a post Christmas run-down.
So you can either read all my droning essays (there will be at least three) or I can come to your house and slap you in the face with a fish.
You want to hear all about our Christmas tree and my holiday Craigslist score?
Okay.
Only if you insist.
Here is our tree:

^^ Yes, there is also a horse head on the wall. Because what would a home be without a horse head on the wall? ^^

It is short, yet very symmetrical.
We bought it from a 17-year-old boy scout with very silky-looking hair and a slight lisp.
He was pretty much the cutest thing ever.
And he took his tree-selling responsibilities very seriously.
"Are you looking for something sturdy with hardy branches for heavier ornaments? Or do you want something aromatic that will fill your house with a pine-y scent?" he asked.
These were good questions.
I apparently hadn't given this decision the appropriate amount of thought.
Suddenly picking a tree became very complicated.
But after pacing the tree lot and stroking my beard looking at every variety/option, I settled on the perfect one.
And after we got it decorated, we capped it with a pirate hook.
Naturally.

^^ A close up of our festive tree-topper. Because when one doesn't own a sparkly star, one must misspell "Merry Christmas" and tape it to your brother's dress-up pirate hook. Now the horse head isn't looking so strange, eh? #parentingwin #newChristmastradition. ^^

And lastly, this has nothing to do with Christmas but may be the most important antidote included in this little present of a post.
I found these vintage twin bamboo Hollywood Regency-style headboards on Craigslist.
I was actually looking for a king-sized piece, but put side-by-side these will be magnificent.
I was thinking I wanted something new; something different from what Scott and I shared.
Listen to me.
Trying to justify my hoarding.

^^ They are so beautiful I may just snuggle up right here in the garage with them sans mattress. ^^

Happy pre-Christmas!
Stay tuned for my story about how all the original Beard children showed up to the same place, at the same time, with all the the offspring they had created and pure pandemonium reigned.
It was holiday magic!