Monday, July 28, 2014

My wise words

I am closing in on the six month mark.
You know, six months since Scott's passing.
Six months of being a big lonely loner.
Six months of being a "widow."
What a weird word.
And to have it apply to YOU is even weirder.
Anyway, there are a few things that I have learned (which of course I will impose on you, unsolicited.)

1. The feeling of desperation that comes with being newly uncoupled becomes less severe with time.
It used to be all-consuming.
I literally thought about wanting to be married or being in a relationship 24 hours a day.
I hadn't been single longer than a few months since the minute I turned 16 and was allowed to date.
I just needed to be with someone.
Now I probably only spend a few hours a day worrying about it.
Which I consider progress.
I don't feel so despondent (which means forlorn or sad).
I still have the desire to be in another relationship someday and am open to going out, but I am not obsessed with the idea of it happening, like, right now.

2. The moments of sadness still happen but are fewer and farther between.
The heartache still creeps in, but I really do make a conscientious effort to try and stay positive.
On Sunday, I was really feeling sorry for myself, hard, as I sat alone in a room full of couples at church.
I was squeezed into the back corner, wishing I were holding someone's hand.
But after feeling upset for a few minutes, I decided to get over it.
No one wants to be around a sour puss.
I think being realistic about grief is normal and healthy, yada yada, but being careful about where your head is at makes a difference.
I still fall apart but I don't spend a lot of time wallowing.
Meaning: a good cry is often necessary but the days spent face down on the floor in my pajamas are over.
Ain't nobody got time for that.
But having said that ...

3. I never cashed in on all the inappropriate behavior that was excusable at the time of his death, and I kind of want to now.
Six months later I occasionally want to walk away from some conversations without explanation, or scream over something seemingly unimportant.
I want to blow up at people that are stupid.
I want to pierce my nose.
Oh wait. I did that.
But I also want to tell people that have asked me to remove it to back up off that.
I am in mourning.
^^ An awkward selfie documenting my first foray into MAC cosmetics. p.s. Notice my new nose ring? You  probably didn't because it is almost invisible. Like a little secret. Mwah hah ha. ^^ 
4. I am less intimidated by having to "figure things out."
I have felt empowered on several occasions by attending to responsibilities that Scott was previously in charge of:
My vehicle is still running.
Once I even popped the hood, kicked up the stand, and looked at the engine when it was making a funny noise.
I thought it looked okay.
But what do I know?
I also changed the clock in my car when it was daylight savings.
My technological devices also still work. Score.
I bought fireworks and helped to light them.
I talked to Ezra about pubic hair.
That sort of thing.

5. I miss him just as much as I did but the sting is gone.
I am used to him not being around.
Which sucks.
Although I still have a message from him saved on my phone that I listen to weekly.
I also have not changed the second button on my car stereo from his programmed radio station.
Sometimes it feels as if it has been much longer than it actually has.
Yet I am still stuck in the same state of limbo I was five months ago.
My dad continues to remind me that it takes time to reset ... but I am sure he is even wondering when I will pull it together.

6. Life goes on.
It is different and really hard.
But there is hope.
There is always hope.
At least that is what I tell myself.
And most of the time I believe it.
Even if it is only a fleeting moment of hope in a otherwise day full of crap.
All you have to do is re-imagine another ending.
Once you get it out of your head that your future isn't altered but is in fact right on track, it is easier.
^^ Doesn't he look happy? I promise he actually was happy. But I will spill all the party deets in my next post. ^^
Whelp, that is all I can think of for now.
I cannot possibly string anymore sentences together.
This heat is making me testy.
Not to be confused with testies.
I feel like making popcorn is the only thing that can remedy that.
Peace out.


  1. You are the best. Your nose ring is way cute. You are still allowed all the outbursts you deserve, on your own time. You are figuring this all out like a champ. With grace and poise and humor. Just as you should. I love you! PS Move to Boise! It would be a fun party all the time and we can raise our kids together and hold hands during Sunday school!

  2. I love the way you think. The way you know with assurity that your life is on the path it is supposed to be on. It is a thought that will always give you direction and comfort at the same time. You are amazing!

  3. No moving to Boise! At least not until I can teach another one (or maybe even two) more of your kids. A girl can dream...