Friday, May 16, 2014

Sometimes life is hard

Remember how I talked about being grateful a few days ago?
Yeah, well that isn't going so well.
At least not today.
I know that typically I have been turning my Friday post into a roundup of things that make me happy, and I have a few of those to include at the end;
But first I am going to record how things are hard.
I don't do this looking for sympathy or pity.
These posts are often more as a reminder, to myself, of how things are/were.
You see, I do believe that my situation will improve with time, effort, and faith.
And then I can look back on these posts as a reminder of how things were and how far I have come; I can hopefully gain a deeper appreciation for my new stage in life.
I don't think I truly appreciated the things I had before I lost Scott.
I didn't really appreciate having someone who liked me, and was invested in our future as a couple.
Our marriage was far from perfect, in fact some might even say it was ... a struggle, and a lot of hard work.
But there is one thing I was always certain of: Scott was committed to me and to our family.
I had someone who was working his arse off so that I could stay at home to take care of our children.
Now everywhere I look, all I see are families. Whole families.
It makes me quite upset.
Things feel so unfair.
In fact, I would dare to say that today at Ryan's job-a-thon, I was downright mad.
Not in a rational, justifiable way.
No, it was pretty much a resentful, pitiful kind of anger.
I watched all those parents cheer on their first-graders and felt bitter.
I may have even glared at a few of them. I'm mature.
And for what? Because they have what I want.
Last night, to kick of the self-pity, I joined one of those online dating sites.
I did it after everyone was in bed and I was all alone.
I felt foolish and after I signed up I went to bed and cried.
I kept thinking, "what if no one likes me?"
And then I slept like crap.
Oh and Micah is phasing out of naps, which makes all those things previously mentioned 1,000 times worse.
Anyway, on that fun note I will definitely finish with a few things that bring a smile to my face.

#1 This girl and her new obsession
Ryan is a great reader.
I take no credit for this.
She just loves to do it and has really become excited about chapter books this year!
She is always reading at breakfast, when she is supposed to be catching her bus, when she is supposed to be sleeping, and as soon as she comes home from school.
She's my mini-me.
^^ Just picture another little girl, seated at the same table about 25 years ago, reading Nancy Drew, only she had Sally Jessy Raphael glasses, a Bob Ross frizz, and neon stretch pants. In my defense I was raised in the 80's/90's. At the height of American fashion. ^^

#2 These three. 
There is a lot of crying/whining/pulling out of hair that happens while taking care of these three maniacs but it is worth it. 

^^ I think Ezra was under the impression that he was participating in a saunter-a-thon. ^^
^^ Ryan was tearing around the track. I should be a sports photographer. ^^
^^ Micah didn't want to be left out. Look at that determination. ^^


  1. When kids stop napping it is the worst! I love your cute kids!! Ryan is the cutest little reader ever! You are the best. You will LOVE to look back on these posts later. I love reading my journal or blog and reliving things and seeing how far I've come.

  2. I also love putting my thoughts into a blog about my struggles with life. I look back on some of the tough days I had with not being able to be a mommy and now that I have that beautiful gift as a part of my daily life, somedays it's difficult to see motherhood as a gift, and it reminds me of how much I wanted this and how much I really LOVE being a mom and how my faith was strengthened and made me better by wading through waist high crap for a while. You WILL have better days. They WILL come because you are amazing and so very capable. I can't wait for the days you get to shout out all the wonderful things because you WILL have wonderful days. Keep on rockin it momma bear!

    1. Thank you Tiffany. Sometimes I envy other people that have seen a lot of pain and heartache and are on the other side. How much I want that to be me. But just hearing words of encouragement from strong women like you helps me feel like it will get better.