Friday, April 25, 2014

11 years

You guys, tomorrow would have been Scott and mine? mine and Scott's? myself and Scott's anniversary.
We would have been married for 11 years.
Which is a very long time. I am quite old.
And a lot of work.
Especially for such a pair of stubborn mules as we were together.
But I spent the better part of yesterday bawling my eyes out, and I cannot cry another tear.
Not just about that, but about everything.
Fear over not performing well on the GRE, and then being rejected from graduate school; irrational anger over Scott abandoning me with crazy mini-clones to take care of; concern that I will become a sad, lonely, spinster who is then obligated to collect cats and plants; having to get dressed.
I also threw in a good sob over our would-be house and tortured myself by mentally visualizing exactly how it would have looked once I finished decorating it, just to be thorough.
So, once I got all that out of my system I fell asleep.
Now that I am physically incapable of crying anymore, the next option is to be happy.
I thought I would share a few things that make me happy.
And maybe they will make you happy too.

#1 My new bikini
I use the term "bikini" loosely because really there is only a sliver of my upper stomach showing.
But I am obsessed with the high-waisted variety because it covers my stretch marks and tricks the eye into seeing hips.
It is super cute on and really comfortable.
And since I have nowhere or anyone to wear it to/for, I just wait for everyone to go to work and then try it on and stare at myself in the mirror for a bit.
Then I fold it up and put it away. But I am happy.

^^ It also makes me look busty. Bonus. ^^
#2 Jimmy Fallon.
Late night has never been better.
I seriously think he is the funniest.
I could watch him alone for the full hour.
And when he laughs he looks like a very handsome turtle.

^^ This lip-synch off cracks me up every time. Watch it. It will be the happiest 9 min. of your life. ^^
#3 Tween pop songs
There. I said it. I enjoy all the obnoxious Top 40 hits.
Like more than any other age-appropriate, sophisticated, unshameful music
I know all the words and will sing along in the car at the top of my lungs despite the perplexed looks from those driving in the cars next to me.
I am childish.

#4 Snuggling with Micah
Micah is my worst sleeper.
Even now, closing in on the age of three, he still wakes up multiple times every night.
However, ever since Scott passed away, instead of going in to help him get settled in the middle of the night, I just bring him in to sleep with me.
He is nice and warm and not super fidgety.
And then I am not all alone. It is good for now.
Until he gets old enough to realize it is not cool.

^^ Yes. It was this kind of day yesterday. I had to hit the treats pretty hard. ^^
#5 Hope
There is always hope.
And the possibility of things getting better makes me happy.
And helps me out of any funk I fall into.
Because it will. Get better, that is.
Happy Friday.


  1. I love you. I love your swim suit so much!! And I love that you are having popcorn and ice cream. I would have that for dinner every night if it would be considered appropriate :) Always have hope. Because it is going to get better. I promise.

  2. You are going to rock that bikini. It is the exact bikini I want to be in shape enough to wear and the only bikini my stretch marks and weird skin flap at the bottom of my stomach that giant eleanor gave me will look ok in. I love the high waisted look anyway. You are the best.

  3. First.. I love your new bikini! Second.. Wow you are a strong woman. I feel very grateful that you are sharing your thoughts with the world. My name is Sara and my sister in law shared your blog with me. I am touched by your words!