Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Just us eating out

Saturday night I took the kids out to dinner for the first time on my own.
It wasn't the first time I have taken them out alone, but as a single parent.
In fact, in the last three months, we have not done a lot of activities unaccompanied.
As just a family of four.
So I got the idea in my head that a nice dinner out would be fun.
A good, basic activity that I could handle with ease.
I drove us to Red Robin (we're classy) and got everyone settled in the booth.
Then Ezra had to go to the bathroom.
Usually I have someone to tag in when I need to be in two places at once.
Tonight, Ryan graduated to that person.
She very capably took Ezra to the ladies room so that I could remain in my seat with the devil child, who was on the floor probably picking chewing gum off the bottom of our table.
They returned a few minutes later in one piece and drew themselves up to the booth.
The older kids finished their meals without incident, and I was so proud.
I though to myself, "Hey, look at us. We can do this by ourselves! We are so awesome! Air high-five to myself!"
Then Micah started scaling the bench behind us, and we were done.
It wasn't the biggest deal in the world.
Whoopidy-doo, we went to dinner.
But really it was more of a symbol. (I am about to get my metaphor on).
Even though it was a task I had done before without Scott, it was the idea that I didn't have a partner as an option any more that changed the experience.
Does that make sense?
I felt competent as a single parent in just that moment.
Because I was the only one there.
And it was enough.
And then we went outside, Micah let go of his balloon, and the rest of evening was very sad.
Will I feel like this every time we are out on our own? No, the answer is no.
Mostly I feel envy and self-pity.
I look at all the husbands and fathers and feel longing.
Not for those men, just for the idea of someone.
But then I slap myself in the face and remember I have a high-strung controlling willful strong personality (the term Scott sassily used) and realize that Heavenly Father has given me all the tools to deal with this.
And not just deal, succeed.
It's in there somewhere. It is in everyone.
You would be able to do it too because there isn't another choice.
We made it home sans balloon and the Ezra very generously shared his balloon with Micah.
It was sweet.
Then I waited for them to go to bed and I popped them.
Balloons are a huge pain. Ezra probably would have retracted his offer in the morning, then someone would be left out.
Balloons = tears. Every. time.
Now you know how mean I am.
The end.
^^ Just enjoying the good life: crackers, glass of water, outdoor lounge chair, and necklaces. Always necklaces. ^^

^^ What I actually look like every day. No makeup, a hat to cover the bedhead, my BYU-Idaho workout tee, and an all-day pass to zit city. I like to think that because I continue to exercise everyday, I have not completely let myself go.  ^^


  1. I love your voice. Keep it coming.

    Good to know I'm not the only one still dealing with never-ending breakouts as a full-fledged adult.

  2. I love reading your blog! Takes me back. I remember my first time taking the kids out too. I looked at the father's and husband's too. And it was hard. And that never really goes away. Being a single parent is lonely. But, like you said... You will succeed!! Everything will work out. I can't wait to see where your future leads. You're so spunky and beautiful! Wish I looked that good without make up on. I'm glad you got to go out to eat. Proud of you for doing it!!