Friday, April 18, 2014

The secret of change

It has been 11 weeks since Scott passed away.
Is it weird to be counting my time this way?
Every Friday I add it up in my mind.
Although, I will say, today it feels much more distant.
Like it was always this way.
And my life with Scott was a dream.
Which makes no sense, since we spent nearly 13 years together.
Which is what percentage of my life?
I am going to compute that right now.
I believe that the equation would look like this: 32/13 = .40 and .40 = 40%.
I am relearning percentages this week while I study for my GRE.
Next week is simultaneous equations which means I should probably start trolling Craigslist for a new project.
Heather says that really those tests are only designed to tell a university whether or not you are mentally handicapped and cannot handle advanced curriculum.
I am worried that my test score will reflect just that.
I don't even know if the answer I arrived at is accurate.
But 40 percent of my life sounds about right.
Which is a lot of time to spend with someone.
Can a hole in your life close that quickly?
I have thought about stories I've heard of widows spending decades in mourning, wearing black, and sentencing themselves to social isolation.
Do they do that because they are really distraught?
Or because they think that is the appropriate way to act?
^^ Right when he wakes up is the only time he is snuggly and calm.
The rest of the time he is racing around like a bat out of hell. ^^

^^ My little family. I am not sure why it appears Ryan is foaming at the mouth. She isn't. ^^

I know this lady.
She is one rad lady.
She lost her husband to a long, drawn-out fight with cancer about 18 months ago.
She has since been happily remarried and calls me on a weekly basis.
She is really bubbly and her positive mood is contagious.
After her phone calls I always feel so good.
She says, "Brianne, you are going to be so happy. Your life is going to be so wonderful. You will succeed because you have hope. As long as you have that, you cannot fail."
I think she is right.
She also says, "You can be sad. But you can also be happy. You have a lot of reasons to be happy. It takes a lot of energy to be depressed. And so sometimes it is easier to feel okay. Don't feel guilty for smiling and laughing. Enjoy yourself. You can still miss someone and be happy."
I like her.
There is a time and place to be upset.
But doing that all day, every day is really draining.
I know because I am just emerging from that place.
So instead I crank up One Direction like the tween I am, take care of the kids, make dinner, watch Mad Men, and then take a minute to sob into my pillow at night.
I miss him. Every day.
But my situation cannot be reversed.
Is that callused?
I would not be the person I am without having spent all that time with Scott.
I would not change the things I have learned from him. And the babies we had together.
I try to make him a present part of our children's lives daily.
And I will keep doing just that.
But my life has to keep going even though he is gone.
In fact, this week marks a record-breaking streak of four days in a row that I have pulled myself together, showered and applied makeup in the last three months! Go me.
And because I spend far too much time on the internet, a little prezzie to send you into a great weekend.
I love her. She is so wild and her style is fearless.
And her band is pretty fun.


  1. That is such a good attitude to have. Being happy is a choice and our experiences build who we are. It's ok to be happy and sad. I liked that video!

  2. Thanks for sharing. I've been wondering how you're doing. So glad to hear you are moving forward. Scott wouldn't want you to stay sad forever. You asked if people continue to mourn because they think they are supposed to. I think people who lose a loved one often don't allow themselves to be happy because they think it means that they no longer love or miss the person, which is the exact opposite. You honor Scott by living your best life. Love you, girl!

  3. Brianne, this blog is brutiful. That's a new word for me. Maybe you've read momastary?.... Your writing us captivating and raw. I'm crying right along with you. Having just read all your posts, and given it some serious thought. I have a prediction: you will be a best selling author. I really believe it. Thank you for writing in a way that we can all relate to. You're inspiring me dust off our family blog and write again. I love your courage and strength. And grieve with you for this incredible loss. If it wasn't for the knowledge we have, recovering from the loss of my mom would have been so much more challenging. I miss those fresh days of her passing... The spirit her spirit were almost tangible. Years down the road and I need to feel her that close again. Ok I'm rambling now. Brianne: I love you 3000 Miles away.

  4. I remember seeing in you on that sad day of 11 weeks ago, I will never forget! I truly praise you for your sweet smile! I love being around you!